Becoming an Upstander
One of the most powerful ways to stop cyberbullying is when peers speak up. Learn how to encourage your child to be an “upstander” – someone who helps in safe and positive ways.
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Fact Sheets
Learning about Upstanders
One of the best ways to reduce cyberbullying and help victims is when their peers stand up for them when the bullying occurs. This is why it’s important to encourage children who witness cyberbullying to intervene and stand up for their peers. The information below will explain why you should encourage your kids to stand up for others and what might make that act difficult.
DEFINITIONS
Bystander: A bystander is someone who witnesses cyberbullying but does not take action
Upstander: An upstander is someone that intervenes and stands up for the victim of the cyberbullying they witness
FACTS ABOUT UPSTANDERS
- Standing up to a cyberbully reduces the negative effects of bullying on victims, such as increased depression, anxiety, and loneliness , but many children do not report standing up for victims of cyberbullying.
- Children and adolescents who are cyberbullied value peer support as well as adult support.
- Standing up for victims reduces the likelihood of that the cyberbully will continue victimizing others.
- Being an upstander is beneficial, since upstanders have higher academic achievement and self-esteem.
Barriers to becoming an Upstander
PEER DYNAMICS
Early adolescence is a period where peer dynamics could be complicated. Adolescents care a lot about the way their peers see them and may fear that standing up against cyberbullying will lead to their peers seeing them as ‘uncool’ or make them a future target for bullying.
- BYSTANDER EFFECT: The bystander effect is the idea that people are less encouraged to act when others are present because they assume that someone else will intervene and it is not their place to do so.
- NOT KNOWING HOW TO HELP: Bystanders can be unsure what the best response is or if their response will change anything during a cyberbullying event.
- NOT PUTTING THEMSELVES IN THE VICTM’S SHOES: Bystanders sometimes think that the victim ‘deserves it’ or brought it on themselves. They may also assume no intervention is needed since it’s ‘not a big deal’.
- SAFETY: It can be unrealistic to expect children to intervene in every situation – it can sometimes be unsafe.
Tip Sheets
How Can I Guide my Child to Be an Upstander
Standing up isn’t always easy. Here’s a guide to teach your kids how to stand up against cyberbullies, the right way.
Tip #1: Be a Supportive and Warm Figure in Your Child’s Life
- Frequently communicate with your child about their school experiences
- Try these out:
- “How was school today? Did anything interesting happen? How are your friends doing?”
- Try these out:
- Tell your child you are there for them frequently
- “I want you to know I am always here for you and you can talk to me about anything”
- When your child communicates with you, react in a kind manner
- Try to respond with openness rather than concern or frustration
- “I’m glad you told me about that, tell me more
Tip #2: Talk About Cyberbullying and Empathy Frequently
- Take opportunities to initiate conversations about online etiquette, empathy, and what cyberbullying looks like often
- Try these out:
- “Do you know what cyberbullying is?”
- “Do you act kind online?”
- “Do you know the best way to stay safe online?”
- Try these out:
- Be aware of cyber lingo so you can identify what constitutes cyberbullying- know this is everchanging
Tip #3: Use indirect, contextual openings to the conversation
- Bring up cyberbullying examples seen in the news or on social media
- Try this out:
- “I saw a story of a student being bullied online- what do you think of that?”
- Try this out:
- Mention hypothetical situations
- Try this out:
- “Have you ever seen someone at school be left out of a group chat? Have you ever seen someone leave a mean comment on a post?”
- “How would that make you feel?”
- Try this out:
- Discussing a peer’s experience or a story tends to reduce defensiveness and increase engagement in the conversation
Tip #4: Teach Upstander Strategies
Direct: Being firm and intervening directly with the bully
Distract: Change the subject or interrupt the situation
Delegate: Get help from a trusted adult
Delay: Check in with the victim afterward and offer support
Document: Report the comment to the platform
- Sometimes kids can get nervous about how they might be perceived by being upstanders, giving them different tools allows them to intervene in a way that’s most comfortable for them
- Upstanders feel their strongest when they feel supported too!
- Remember: Support, Report and/or Comfort
Tip #5: Acknowledge your Child’s Worries about Becoming Upstanders
- It’s not always “cool” to be an upstander
- Let your child know it’s normal to feel nervous about speaking up
- Try this out:
- “I know it can be hard to speak up or to step in, but it’s important to be supportive when someone’s being cyberbullied”
- “Remember there are different ways to help!”
- Try this out:
Tip #6: Support Being Assertive not Aggressive
- Do not encourage aggressive or retaliatory behavior
- Try this out:
- “It’s great to help defend your friends but don’t be mean to the bully either”
- Try this out:
Tip #7: Model Upstander Behavior 2
- Your child is always watching and imitating how you behave
- Modelling appropriate behavior both online and offline goes a long way
- Speak up when you notice someone being unkind and explain your actions to your child
- Online or offline, show your child how to respond to hurtful behavior with kindness
- Try this out:
- “Look at this comment, it’s kind of mean, I’m gonna ask the person to be more respectful”
- Model how to support others
- Show your child that checking in with others is important- even if its after the fact
- Try this out:
- “I messaged my friend after seeing a mean post about them to make sure they’re ok”
This information is evidence based. Click here for a complete list of resources!